Kamis, 07 Mei 2009

Bressler DTD (lower body injury)

Long story here that has nothing to do with Ovechkin, Crosby or Sean Avery. We understand if you click off this site.

So we are playing a mens league game last night at 11:30. We have a solid core of 9 guys doing battle with a team that always beats the hell out of us. Actually, every team but one in this league always beats the hell out of us but this team is special. For some reason we keep dragging ass to the rink in the middle of the night.

We were down 4 goals at one point and we scratched and clawed to go ahead by one late in the 3rd. We were really putting some good lathe work in on both ends of the ice and actually having some fun in the process. Our goalie, Plenty, is a manchild.

2Man producer/point guard, Daniel Bressler was doing the needful chasing down a puck in the offensive zone and gets pulled down by some retard with a slew foot. What makes things worse is that the ice is more chewed up than Courtney Love's vag and Bress catches a rut and ruins his right leg.

It was an ugly scene. Bress was on the ice screaming in pain and we were just helpless. Was it a dirty play? Yeah but not the dirtiest play that night. What made things nasty was the soft ice. On a good sheet Bress gets put down like a soccer riot and I end up posting about Tom Poti's man-purse or how I can't figure out the plot to the new Terminator movie.

Anyways, Bress gets carefully carted off the ice and we hold on for the win. Probably one of the best comebacks in mens league history but at what cost? Thanks for ruining a great win, slew foot jerkoff.

Getting Bress to the hospital was an adventure. 2Man Director/Russian ex-pat, Artem drives to the game so the a few of us carefully stripped Bress of a skate and his uppers, gingerly sat him in a rolling office chair and took the service elevator to roll him to Artem's car. Please note that even the slightest movement made Bressler scream out in pain.

He screamed the entire way to the hospital. It was awful and hilarious at the same time. Scotty and I were in the back of the car crying laughing because Bress is in agony and were trying to keep things light by making jokes. Bress is such a good guy that even when Artem would take a hard turn and Bress would scream "FUUUUUCK" he'd immediately apologize. It was clown college. It was also 2AM.

So we get to the hospital and Scotty and I got some nurses and a wheel chair and we got Bress inside. He was still yelling and waking up all the drunks who were brought to the ER to dry out. One of the drunks looked like he'd been drinking since the prohibition era. His face looked like an olive pit like he's literally pickling from the inside. Not a good way to spend your elder years.

But hey, Bressler's nurse (not pictured) was cute. Her name was Adina and she had a great smile and looked good despite working 12+ hour shifts the entire week. She was very thrown off by Bressler's jock because it's black and bulbous and she kept staring at it and laughing. She told us that she didn't grow up with brothers and had never seen one before. When he heard this, Bress nearly fell off the stretcher trying to whip his tool out but she meant the jockstrap and cup, not a weenus.

The most embarrassing part of the night for Bress (besides screaming more than the Octomom delivering her litter) was when the doctor came into the room. Here's how it went down:

Dr: (walking into the room) Okay, you must be Dan so let's see what we can do about that nose.

Bressler: Uhh, my nose? It's my leg that's the problem.

Dr: Really? So you're good with that nose? Really? Hmm. Alright.


Turns out Bress broke his tibia and fibula. He didn't have knee or nerve damage that they could tell last night and he could be out 3+ months.

Look at this picture. Artem is looking down at Bressler's mangled foot which looks like Serbia. Artem can't hide his disgust.

I would have live blogged this whole event last night but I didn't know how to work Bressler's blackberry. When you try to type "google" it gives you "goat". Why goat? Anyone who deals with goats doesn't need google.

This is a crushing blow to the 2Man crew. Our mens league team loses it's spiritual leader (and not just because his girlfriend got him into Kabbalah) and an active participant in our weekend roller hockey games. Bress didn't miss hockey games and he was always willing to jump in net for street hockey. The guy broke 2 bones in one of the ugliest mens league injuries I've seen. What garbage.

Anyways Bress is stuck in the hospital wearing nothing but a spandex jock and watching Regis and Kelly. One way to make him feel better is by posting all the horrific injuries that NHLers have played through in the comments. If we shame him maybe he'll strip off the cast and get in net this weekend.

Come on, Bress. Don't be a pussy.

And here's one of the trays of shots that Scotty made us drink the other night when Staal got the GWG to send New Jersey home.

I slept a solid 1:30 last night. I need to go home.


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