Jumat, 12 November 2010

All-Star Game Draft

By now you have heard the changes in the selection process for the All-Star Game.

Scotty and I decided to have a 2-man 2Man All-Star fantasy draft over email at work.
We named ourselves non-playing coach/captains and picked the customary 4 forward lines, 3 defensive pairings and 3 tenders. Scotty had 1st overall pick. Here's how the draft went:

A few notes from the draft:
- It's an all-star game so I took D that can rip. Mike Green that early (5th round) was a no brainer

- Scotty didn't keep it totally real by taking a few injured players like Parise and Marty. It's all good for our fantasy draft purposes.

- I should've taken Perry to pair him with Getzlaf. When Scotty took Perry I took Bobby Ryan just so Scotty wouldn't snatch him up later on and pair him with Perry.

- Goalies get torched every year but at least Tim Thomas competes so hard that he can make a few unreal saves.

- I feel like Eric Staal always comes up big in these games.

- We broke up the Sedins and Scotty took the good one. In the real draft will the captains have to handcuff them like how you pick your star RB's backup in fantasy football?

- Our rosters are ridic. I don't really think we left anyone off but some arguments can be made. Where did we eff up?


- Kovy didn't get picked because of how badly he snuffed his last SO attempt. He looks like a broken man.

- I was considering taking Dwayne Roloson with my final goalie pick because he is the best goalie when facing 50+ shots. I made that stat up but I feel like it's true.

- If Savard wasn't concussed he would have went top 3 for me. There is no better player for a pickup game than that guy.

- John Carlson is a beast. Dude has a bomb.


- Nemmy

Rabu, 03 November 2010

2Man Central Scouting

Someone hire me to scout for your NHL team. I'm employing some new evaluation techniques and I'm certain I will put winners in jerseys.

Of course I'll watch these guys play games but mostly my determinations will come from personal interviews and some private investigation work.

Here's a taste of some of my criteria.

1) Does the player have an awful haircut?
Mario, Jagr, Ovy, Malkin, Matty Weindel, etc. all made serious missteps in their hairstyles before becoming stars. Checking what's under the helmet is an easy way to narrowing down the potential stars.
Open up any pack of NHL prospects cards and pick out two. Take Todd Harvey and Pat Falloon for example. Who has the more brutal hairstyle? Which one will be the better NHLer. It’s kind of easy.
You know who had the best hair in amateur hockey history? Answer: Vinny Bruce. Kid was a HNIB stud and standout at Taft but now him and his sick haircut trade investment grade debt for a living. Having tragic hair isn't a sure ticket to NHL stardom but if Vinny had some frosted tips he would have at least made some ECHL money.

2) Does the player have a brain in his head?
I'm going to put a pane of glass to the left of the crease and see if the kid can break it by shooting on a goalie. Does he know where to put a puck on net to get a rebound? This is just like how coaches in basketball teach big men how to anticipate rebounds.

3) How does the player react to wiffle ball?
I'll take a few of the kids out to the park to bbq and play some wiffle ball but I'm not looking for the next Wally Joyner. This test is simply to see:
a) Is the guy athletic enough to not look like a moron?
b) How pissed does the kid get when he loses
c) or How much does he gloat when he wins
Put it this way: I bet when scouts saw Tim Thomas at Vermont they might have noticed some raw athletic ability, labeled him as a "project" because of his mechanics and passed him over.
They totally missed the part of Thomas where he wants to rip so hard that he will literally throw his cock in front of Sheldon Souray to deflect a low slapper. Part of my PI work is finding out if they can remember how many strokes the player beat his father in-law the last time they played mini golf. Common questions include:
Have you ever thrown a pingus paddle in anger?
Has anyone ever called you a "piece of shit" after a family game of Scrabble?
Do you think you have a puncher's chance against anyone anytime?
Would you ever fuck Lenny Kravitz? (Actually that was part of my dating questionnaire.)

There's so much more to my method. After I'm down exhaustively scouting players I guarantee I could fill a team with leaders who you can root for instead of a few passive jerkoffs with "great hockey sense".

Please use the2manadvantage@gmail.com with any inquiries.

- Nemmy

Senin, 01 November 2010

Why Danielle should stick with the Islanders and forget the Habs

Last week the Active Stick posted the reasons that my girlfriend should become a Habs fan (you can read that post here). While there is much I don't agree with in that post, I can agree that Danielle is gorgeous and that any team would be lucky to have her fandom. However, I will not be posting a picture of Danielle to confirm said gorgeousness, so if thats what you came for, I'm sorry to disappoint.

Anyway, here are the reasons that Danielle should stick with the Islanders:

  • Notice that I didn't say choose the Islanders, but instead, stick with them. Thats because the only hockey game that Danielle has every been to was an Islanders game. Why would she choose to be a fan of a team she has never even seen live? I could understand more if she wanted to be an Avalanche fan, but thats neither here nor there. If Montreal is such a great hockey city and has such terrific fans, how come not one of them ever invited Danielle to game when she was living there for 6 years!?

  • Orange is a great color and with the throwback royal blue look terrific on Danielle. Granted, she's so hot, that she would look smoking in a burlap sack, but the point is that Islander's orange looks great on her

  • If speaking French is the only qualification you need to be a coach in Montreal, no wonder they've struggled lately. The Islanders have plenty of french-speaking players for Danielle to converse with. Plus she can teach the non-french speakers how to trash talk their Quebecois opponents

  • Islander fans are just as passionate as Canadien fans, but you know, without the rioting or occasional racism.

  • Following the Canadiens means that there are super-high expectations every year followed by massive disappointment. Danielle has a high stress job, she doesn't need much more to worry about. Following the Islanders means low expectations, so any success is a bonus!

  • The Islanders will continue to get high draft picks, so she won't have to stay up too late to find out who they draft in the first round.

  • Finally, since Danielle lives in New York now, its important that she choose the right side of the New York rivalry, and being a Rangers fan might be even worse than being a Habs fan.