Kamis, 05 Maret 2009

What can Black do for you

First off, are we done with the cold weather in NYC yet? I hate to whine but I haven’t seen my sack in 2 weeks. Times like these I wonder how anything gets done in Alberta when the temps are worse on average than what we’ve been going through. How do people work outside? How do people have sex? It takes me 2 hours just to warm up from my walk from the subway when I get home. The real winner from yesterday’s trade deadline was anyone who got traded to Phoenix. Enjoy the weather down there because yesterday I had use a roach clip to take a leak.

I won’t recap the deadline deals. Bress did a great job of putting together the trades and summing up some immediate thoughts. You can read the other blogs for their analysis. I just want to take the opportunity to praise the Pens on grabbing a 2Man favorite yesterday.

Congrats, Pittsburgh. You managed to add Billy Black Guerin to your squad by giving up what, at the most, could be a 3rd round draft pick. I’m not an Islander fan; I’m not here to scream and shout about the Lighthouse Project or dickride Rick Dipietro. I am a Billy Black Guerin fan and having worked with the Islanders for the last two seasons I can say that Penguins fans got great value.

The Penguins are treading water and Marian Hossa wasn’t available this deadline. Billy Black won’t win the day but he will bring sick value for what could be a 4th round pick. Being an American, a Bruins fan and a complete badass I probably overvalue Black and his skillset but here is what the Pens can expect from Guerin.

You’re getting a winner
Guerin got a Cup with Jerz. He didn’t light up the playoffs that year but he was a factor and a beast and he forever has that Stanley Cup stink on him. The man has been dragging wagon on Long Island for two years so a trip to a squad with a rosier outlook will do him very good. In Pittsburgh he’s going to act like those Amish kids who get to go to keg parties in that Devil’s Playground dvd that Mason has.

You’re getting a leader
Our first trip to Moncton for the Islanders training camp was Guerin’s first with the squad. He was named the captain before he put on the sweater because GM Snow and Co. knew what kind of man they had signed.

Guerin has lived up to every expectation and more. I could ramble all day about his signing autographs and doing charity work and that’s all great but that doesn’t win you playoff games. Black’s real leadership is how he takes care of business on and off the ice. Guys follow his lead. Off the ice it was interesting to watch Guerin walk around and see guys like Rick Dipietro and Mike Comrie scurry behind him. He was the cool kid in school the second he walked into the arena.

Our second year at camp the 2Man crew was out getting oiled up at a local bar when Black walked in and immediately dominated the entire place. He walked right up to Ken Morrow and Gerry Hart and just took over the entire room. Those old timers fawned over him like he was Will Smith or Barack Obama or Will Smith playing Barack Obama. Black has that total badass biker quality.

His numbers may be closer to Miro Satan that I would like to admit but Miro doesn’t walk into a locker room holding his dick like a fireman lugs hose up a ladder. Miro doesn’t get shit done and guys don’t follow him.

You’re getting a beast
When Guerin is on the ice don’t expect Sid to get cheapshotted without repercussions. Now Crosby gets run and bullied and the only answer is Max Talbot giving some guy a facewash. Guerin holds court on the ice and hasn’t lost that nasty streak in his old age.

Consider Black the new Gary Roberts except that Black can actually do something with a puck on his stick. He still rips shots early and often. Guerin has worked long and hard to earn his space on the ice and makes the most of it. With some room he can bury the puck and he hasn’t lost that powerful stride to get open.

His game is simple but welcome on a Pittsburgh team that gets too cute on the powerplay. Malkin and Crosby steer the ship but you need a street tough like Black to go far in the playoffs.

At some point in the next 25 games Black will be sitting in the box after scrapping with some douche who tried to run Marc-Andre. His facial hair will be as coarse as 40 grit sandpaper and his sweat will irritate your nose like Deep Woods Off. He will have a few points already after being freed from the New York Islanders and his example will rub off on young Crosby teaching him a thing or two about how to handle shit like a man. Crosby is an unbelievable player but he can learn some things from a veteran like Black.

I’m not sure what GM Garth Snow had planned when he pulled Guerin of the ice last Saturday. I doubt he was getting ready to trade Black for a conditional pick but we may never know what happened. I’m sneaky hoping there were better offers but Snow and Black took this one to fulfill Guerin’s wishes. Who knows?

Sometimes the deals down by NHL rainmakers make no sense to me. It’s like the time I tried to read what the latest Terminator movie plot was about and my brain short-circuited my cell phone. I’m not the brightest guy but sometimes I do feel like Garth Snow is over his skis.

To me Garth Snow always seems unprepared for situations. He’s like the kid in your midget locker room that was always looking for coins to put in his garter belt to keep his socks up. But that’s just me. If I really knew how to run a team I sure as shit wouldn’t be blogging about it, right?


Is Guerin the bug-eyed young gun skating for Jersey? No. Although he’s past his prime it doesn’t mean that he can’t bring the pain. The 2 ladies from Heart used to be smoking hot back in the day but those fatties can still rock out. Black’s got some juice left and the Pens fans will find out that they got a steal at the deadline and a horse for the course.

For the next few weeks we will be posting short webisodes from our interview with Black and Doug Weight from training camp. On Friday the 2Man crew will get together to toast Black for getting out of Long Island prison for time served with good behavior. We will never forget that time we were sitting around eating when Black walked in the room and said “What’s up, shitheads!” as he walked by. That is still one of the coolest things ever.

Congrats, Pittsburgh and good luck Black on your new team

- Nemmy

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