Traveler's Diarrhea

I'm back from vaca and I haven't had a solid shit in 4 days.

Before I left I predicted the Rangers would have a playoff spot and the Bruins would be golfing. Let's just say that I'm pleasantly surprised with the how the standings look right now. That's the best you get with this year's Bruins: you are just happy to be in the discussion.

And it's the same with last night's game against DC. I thought the Bruins had a great chance to get 2 points but they couldn't and I'm ok with losing in OT. My expectations have officially been tempered. Going sideways just might be enough to get into the final two spots in the East this season.

Before I get into it...What was with the camera work for Versus last night?? I literally cannot describe what was going on with the way that game was shot for tv.

Anyways Patty Bergeron's goal was nifty and I'm going ignore all the negative stuff about the game and highlight the bright spot.



First Dennis Wideman (I'm ignoring the fact that he took the high-sticking penalty in OT) spins away from a Mike Knuble check and looks to break out of the zone.



What drives me crazy about Dennis Wideman is how he tries to do a little too much with the puck. He has Lucic open and Patty Bergeron (being the mayor he is) is giving Wideman an out. Wideman instead looks up-ice to Recchi by headmanning the puck through a scary part of the ice. Maybe I'm just a pussy but c'mon.



Things work out and Lucic (flying up the wing) gets the puck with speed crossing the red line. I'm too lazy to look up who the Washington left D is but I would like to see him bust back into that circled position to keep Patty Berg in check. But it's all good as long as Nick Backstom stays with his center.



He doesn't. Lazy Left D busts it to get back into action but he is toast. Backstrom gives an uninterested attempt to get his stick in the lane and Joe Corvo (giving Lucic way too much space) has what Eddie O would call an "inactive stick". Lucic's pass is pretty and this all doesn't work if Patty Bergeron isn't busting the entire time. Nothing sexy about Patty Bergeron. He is Tim Ducaning his way into the Bruins Captain's chair.

Bergeron bears down on Jose Theodore and all of a sudden a dog is on the trampoline and time stands still.





Berg shrugs off a desperate hook and somehow slides the puck past Jose. Mark Recchi is so happy he doesn't know who to hug.

The best part about this clip is that Mike Green got the night off to rest. Had Green been on the ice Bergeron would have never gotten touched.



I never get tired of seeing this picture.

It was a nice moment until the Bruins cough it up in OT. I'll take the 1 point at this stage. I just wish I could produce a solid bowel movement.

- Nemmy

What you missed last night while watching, hopefully, the final episode ever of the jersey shore

There were a lot of games last night. some haikus might be better than others. lets go!

Blackhawks beat the Flames, 3-1:
Only Kipper seems
to want to win. The rest of
the Flames just plain sucked.

Lightning beat the Leafs in OT, 3-2:
Matt Walker had to
fight twice in the first. He knocked
out Rosehill, tied Orr.

Canucks beat the Stars, 4-3:
Alex Auld tried to
toe-drag Burrows and failed. Is
Turco teaching him?

Senators beat the Blues, 3-2:
The Senators are
the hottest team right now. What if
they had goaltending?

Capitals beat the Penguins, 6-3:
Ovy scores, Sid scores
whatever. This game sucked
I will care in May

Kings beat the Sabres in the shoot-out, 4-3:
All the Sabres must
hate going back home after
being in SoCal.

Sharks beat the Ducks, 3-1:
Now the Sharks have a
three game winning streak, where they've
outscored others a lot.

Coyotes beat the Predators, 4-2:
Both teams have heads
as logos. Only one team
has Upshall with 3.

Red Wings beat the Wild in the shoot-out, 4-3:
Datsyuk's breakaway
pass to Big Bert was perfect.
Backhand, weighted. Yes!

Hurricanes win over the Thrashers, 5-3:
The C does not weigh
Stall down. A trick and a win
for his first game. Nice!

Islanders beat the Panthers in the shoot-out, 2-1:
Best shift of the night
led to the Isles goal. Hit,
cycle, pass, shoot, score!

BJs beat the Bruins, 3-2:
Lucic was back, but
cost his team with a late high
stick. Tough loss, Bruins.

Flyers shut-out the Rangers, 2-0:
Hey Torts, Gabby dropped
his gloves first, so just shut up
about honor, dick.

What you missed last night

Predators over the Red wings 3-1
Erat gets some space and rips


Isles over Leafs 4-3 in OT (Roloson with 7000 saves)
Jeff "the Truth" Tambellini rips high glove.


Rangers over Jackets 7-4
Jared Boll with a goal and 2 fights.


Bruins beat the Blues 4-2
Savard's first game back. Lucic continues to dominate.


Avalanche over Flyers 5-4
Flyers claw back to make it close. Jeff Carter with 2.

The Oil over the Coyotes 4-0.
Jeff Drouin-Deslauriers with the SO.

Ducks beats the Flames 3-2 in the shootout.
We love Iginla. He starts the rush then finishes the play to send the game to OT. Jokinen's pass wasn't meant for him! What a captain.


Stars over the Hurricanes 2-0
Morrow sets the tone early!


Senators beat the Caps 4-3 in OT
Fisher keeps tearing it up.


Penguins over the Panthers 3-2 in OT
The new Florida 3rd unis. Sick!





- Nemmy

Weekend Wrap Up OR What I missed because my DVR failed to record any NHL: On the Fly

So even though I should have been able to see highlights from the 20 or so games this weekend, I only caught 2 full games instead. I watched the Hawks embarrass the Panthers in front of a less than capacity crowd of Finlanders. And The 2 Man went to the Islanders home opener and chatted with Brent Johnson (not on film), while the Islanders lost in the shoot-out.

For the Islander game, we lucked out with the weather. It was pouring as we crawled along in traffic on the LIE, but just as pulled into the parking lot, it cleared up (relatively) and we got some great footage.

Some thoughts from the game:

Sidney Crosby is great and again just wants to put his team on his back. He scored twice on Rolosson (once in the shoot out), by going five-hole.

Tim Jackman knows when to fight. This happened shortly after Crosby put the Pens up 1-0.



Tavares got is first goal. I'm sure he'll have many more from that about area. Watch Trent Hunter get the puck for him.




So thats all I really got for this first weekend wrap-up. Yea I saw Khabibulin's fuck up. And I learned you never, ever fight Milan Lucic.





Tell me what I missed.

-Bress

What you missed you last night because you have DirectTV

Every game had great energy last night. Usually, Friday is reserved for hockey haikus, but since its the first night of games, I'm just going to bullet point the best parts of each game.

Capitals beat the Bruins, 4-1:

• Ovechkin had quite the game, 2 goals and an assist
• His assist started off that pretty passing play for the first goal
• His second goal was pure STRENGTH as he beat Lucic's stick check in front and somehow converted the pass.

Canadiens beat the Leafs in OT, 4-3:

• What the hell was Ron Wilson wearing?
• Great fights in this game. Is Jay Rosehill a Jew? He sure doesn't fight like one.
• Both Stajan's and Metropolit's goals were super sweet tips. Stajans was more the result of a great slap pass from Kaberle. Metropolit's was pure coolness, through his legs
• It was weird to see Gomez with number 91

Avalanche beat the Sharks, 5-2:

• Take the C off Marleau and he responds with 2 goals. They should have done that during the play-offs

Flames win over the Canucks, 5-3:

• Those throwback jerseys look awesome
• The Calgary D is probably the best in the League. No one talks about Mark Giordano made a sweet move on point and scored the first goal of the game and later had an assist.
• Kiprusoff should always, always have a beard

Crib Notes - Boston Bruins

Boston Bruins
Last season - Finished 1st in the Northeast, Lost in round 2 of the playoffs to Carolina
Lost physical D Steve Montador to Buffalo via free agency
Lost physical D Shane Hnidy to Dallas via free agency
Lost veteran C Stephane Yelle to Carolina via free agency
Traded D Aaron Ward to Carolina for Pat Eaves (who was subsequently dropped)
Singed D Derek Morris with the money from the Ward salary dump
Signed rugged Steve Begin via free agency
Signed Andy Wozniewski - bottom story of the year
Resigned Vezina winner Timmy Thomas, David Krejci, Byron Bitz, and Mark Recchi.

Questions going into 2009-2010:
What the hell is happening with Phil Kessel's contract situation?
Can Peter Chiarelli trade resign Kessel by making room on the roster?
Can Tim Thomas possibly keep this level of play up?
Will this be the Michael Ryder letdown season?
Will injuries to Phil Kessel (shoulder) and David Krejci (hip) have any effect on this season?
Will Savard go Kill Bill on the league because he's pissed about the Canadian Olympic camp snub?
Can't the Bruins only decline from last year's regular season success?
Can Marco Sturm stay healthy and pot some goals so Bruins fans can feel somewhat ok about losing Jumbo?
How the hell are we going to get tix for the Winter Classic this year?
Who gets to Scott Walker first?

Poised for a breakout season:
Because I think David Krejci had a breakout season last year I'm going with Blake Wheeler. He was good in spots last season but will put it together in 2009-10.

If you had to buy one Bruins sweater:
My girlfriend wants a Chara sweater. Does it make me gay if I do her while she's wearing it?

Player whose game you sneaky like:
Marc Savard is pretty much hated by the rest of the league but you have to admit he dishes the puck as good as Adam Oates or Craig Janney ever did.
I'm a Bruins fan so I'll give you a player whose game I sneaky don't like: Phil Kessel. He's got a nasty release but is too soft in the corners and reaches too much.

If you name your children this they can only grow up to become hockey players:
Johnny Boychuk and Andy Bodnarchuk

Old guys:
Recchi is 41
Thomas is 35
Chara and Savard are 32

Young guys:
Lucic and Kessel are 21
Krejci and Wheeler are 23
Patrice Bergeron is 24.

Tough guys:
Lucic is an animal. Shawn Thornton polices.

Worst part about losing Shane Hnidy:
Not hearing super homer announcer Jack Edwards say "SHERIFF Shane Hnidy" at the top of his lungs.

Goaltending coach:
Bob Essensa


Nostalgia:
Cam Neely is in his 2nd year as Bruins Vice President

Interesting?:
The Bruins will unveil their new Winter Classic jersey next week.

NHL 94 players:
Oates, Neely, Joe Juneau up front - 1,000
Ray Bourque and Glen Wesley on D with Andy Moog in net.
Loved it when slow-ass Vladimir "Rosy" Ruzicka came off the bench.

YouTube:
Unbelievable short video about the Canadien/Bruin rivalry. I watched this 45 times today and I'm ready to roll.



- Nemmy

Non-hockey hockey line

First off let me couch this post by saying that I'm not sure if I've written about this subject already. I did a quick search in the Blogger and couldn't find it so I guess I'm safe. My memory isn't great and my girlfriend frequently tells me that I use the same jokes over and over. She's heard me tell her about my cabbie with a ball cap over his turban 7,000 times - "What are you a Cleveland Indian?". Whoever I stole that joke from needs to be assaulted.

Wednesday was supposed to be question day but I want to start this a night early.

Let's say that you had to create a starting 5 from non hockey players, who would you pick? Assume that anyone you pick could actually skate and all that. Here's my made up hypothetical fantasy land lineup.

Starting Center - Allen Iverson

Why? In a perfect world my starting center would be the fearless, gritty playmaker who goes into the high traffic spots to make passes and create plays. AI is tough enough to go into corners and creative enough to set up his linemates. He's quick enough to dart in and out of trouble and has the court vision my team is looking for in a No. 1 center. Too many times AI gets criticized for being a shoot first guard but that could round out his effectiveness at the pivot. The guy can take bumps and still has a motor in his older age. Plus he's a total thug and I'm grabbing him before Brian Burke sends him an offer sheet. Consider AI a tougher tatted-up Pavel Datsyuk.

Right Wing - Face from the A-Team

Lieutenant Templeton "Face" Peck played by Dirk Benedict was a closer and a winner. He made everything happen for that A-Team squad and always got laid. When the team needed to up-armor the black van (like they did every 3rd episode) who finagled the parts? Yeah BA always straightened out the trash cans for metal sheeting but Face always managed to get the big ticket items using his charm. The guy was smooth enough to talk his way out of capture or into a woman's gaucho pants and badass enough to shoot a rocket to make a forest green Jeep full of Honduran military policemen flip on it's side. That combination of suave and grit with a side of pure finish makes him the perfect RW. Consider him Jeremy Roenick with slightly less cool hair.

Note: if Brad Pitt's character in Ocean's 13 could use a blowtorch like Face he might have made the starting lineup.

Left Wing - Pitt Bull

I'm looking for a left-handed Tochett or Neeley here. I need a guy on LW that goes north-south with a heavy shot and a pair of hands. This Spanish rapper Pitt Bull is gritty enough to be my left winger. Why? I saw a youtube video of this guy rapping on stage when some fan gets too close and he knocks the fan's ass out and keeps on rapping with the song. Let's see Eminem's pussy ass do that. I'm not a fan of his music but his name is Pitt Bull and he campaigned for John McCain last election so he skates onto my starting lineup right there. Consider him a Puerto Rican Milan Lucic.

Defense - Alexander Skarsgård

My first Dman needs to be the point man. Who knows what this guy is like in real life but Skarsgård plays the 2 coolest characters on HBO. He was Ice Man in Generation Kill (shame on you if you haven't seen this 300 times) and the Viking vampire on True Blood. Plus he's Swedish and I need a Lidstrom-type to man the point. Seriously, True Blood isn't all that great except for the vampire sex but what this guy did on Generation Kill was fantastic. His character was so badass and cool, such a leader. There were only 6 or so episodes of that series but I still feel like I owe this guy a beer. My girlfriend would set fire to my genitals for a chance to hug this guy and my lineup needs that calm killer on the point for the breakout passes and cutting off angles. Consider this guy Nik Lidstrom carrying an M4 with the night vision optics.

Defense - Matt Stairs
I need some muscle on D. NEED IT. Matt Stairs and his big mouth full o' chaw will keep opposing heads up and have guys looking over their shoulders. Stairs has been through it all. He's got scars and war stories and you're just hoping he doesn't have some violent flashback when you skate into his corner. God forbid he catches you at the foot of the crease or if he mistakes you for the family court judge that took away his kids in '98. And don't get in the way of the heavy shot from the point. He fires hard and often and is about as accurate as indiscriminate mortar fire. I can just imagine the presence Stairs would bring to my lineup when he's sitting on the bench during warmups smoking a Winston. Your boy's probably got a playoff beard started before the 2nd period and a water bottle full of stuff they used to power Sputnik. His teammates all know that he takes too many roughing calls but they put up with it because he makes his men feel 150 lbs bigger on the ice. Consider him a more muscular Marty McSorley with 10x more PTSD.

No one is fucking with that lineup.

- Nemmy

What you missed last night because you were fundraising for a 3-day breast cancer walk

Red Wings beat the Ducks 4-3, (DET wins series, 4-3): Nik Lidstrom had a sneaky bad game. He didn't clear out the front of the net or make great break out passes. Datsyuk still didn't score. And you know what - the Red Wings still won. It took a sick goal with great hand-eye coordination from Dan Cleary, but they won. Chris Osgood played pretty darn well also.

Hurricanes beat the Bruins in OT, 3-2 (CAR wins series 4-3): Well, that sucked. First of all regulation was great. Joni Pitkanin's pass to Sergei Samsonov was superb, so was Sarvard banking it off the side of the net to Lucic, whose sneaky quick hands got the puck upstairs quickly. In OT, it didn't look like the Bruins had it, but I also didn't think that Scott Walker would knock in a rebound of mid air. Nice sprint out by Tim Thomas - guess he forgot about the handshake.


I'll have the updated standings and picks in a post later today

What you missed last night beacuse the warning of "drowsiness" on your Percocet label is legit

Bruins beat the Hurricanes, 4-2 (series ties 3-3): I read this somewhere already, but if you were a Bruin last night and wanted to score, you just had to have your stick on the ice. The passing was superb. Whether it was Bergergon fighting off a backchecker on the first goal or Lucic's great look or Krejci sweet touch pass or Bergeron (again) extracting DNA - the Bruins were playing some great hockey.

Ducks beat the Red Wings, 2-1 (series 3-3): I'm pissed that I slept through the end of this game. Nice little animosity to take into game 7. I still hope the the Red Wings win, just for the rivalry aspects of playing the Hawks.

What you missed last night while you on a late night duane reade run

Blackhawks beat the Flames in OT, 3-2 (lead series (1-0): I incorrectly called the winner, but didn't mind, at all, watching Havlat finish off a hell of a game. I'm not going to talk about the goalie interference - everyone just stop it. Part of this game is the human factor of the refs. Everyone always gets calls for and against them. Its frustrating, but don't let it ruin the game for you. The crowd at the United Center was out of control - surging with the Hawks rushes. I love that - you know when you here the crowd get excited just their team is developing an opportunity. Watch high-lights and listen to the crowd on Kane's semi break away. Anyway, there was so much goodness in this game. Toews was an absolute beast. He'll be in our top 5.

Red Wings bet the BJs, 4-1 (lead series 1-0): This game was a pleasant surprise in the physicality, but otherwise I was dissapointed with the Jackets game. Osgood was a nice surprise and thats not good for Red Wing haters or even fans who think Osgood is the achilles heel of the team.

Bruins beat the Canadiens, 4-1 (lead series 1-0): This game had a little bit of everything to please all hockey fans. Great saves by Timmy Thomas, for those who love to the most athletic players on the ice show off their stuf. Great hitting, all you have to do is watch Lucic. Some super vision - Metropolit seeing and moving the puck quickly to Higgins for the Canadiens first goal or Ryder putting the puck into perfect space for Krejci's backhand goal. It was all there and Kovalev's goal shows why he is the mayor of Snipe City. And of course, don't forget all the salt.

Ducks shut-out the Sharks, 2-0 (lead series 1-0): This was the absolute worst case scenario for the Sharks. Losing the first game, getting shut-out, all of it. If you take away one thing to remember from this game, let it be - Getzlaf's snap shot. It was the nail-in-the-coffin goal and it was bar and in. For that goal, Getzlaf get an honary key to Snipe City.

Weekend Wrap Up OR College hockey was crazy, but I'm not going to talk about it

I watched hockey every time it was on this weekend, but I couldn't figure out what game I was watching in the NCAA's. Cornell was in the mid-west regional - thats confusing.


The Islanders shut-out the Red Wings Friday night. Yes, Hossa and company hit about a thousand posts, but Joey MacDonald made saves like this:



He looks like Nemmy during roller hockey.

Ovechkin embarrassed the Lightning again. Not with a stupid celebration, but with a solid night. Ovy had 2 and 2 assists:



Saturday night was fight night at the Coliseum, this heavy weight bought came right after Nate Thompson fought Dan Carcillo and before Aaron Asham dropped Tim Jackman. Also Doug Weight fought!



While the fights were happening on the island, a pond hockey game was breaking out in Toronto. Justin Pogge sucks. Or he's learning. He got pulled for CuJo - exactly the opposite of what happened the night before. Recchi had 2 sweet tip-ins. He's not a Jew, because he knows how to tip. (ed note: bress is a jew).
Of the 7 Boston scored this one is my favorite. Really make sure to watch the nice pass from Lucic.



Earlier on Saturday Crosby was Crosby and got the game winner versus the Rangers. Uhhh, good effort, Redden?


The Blue Jackets and the Blues played a home-and-home series (or more accurately home-and-away). The BJs lost both and Mr. Nash has a new nemesis.





Yea, thats TJ Oshie.

I can't think of a better way to end this recap than with this ridiculous slap-pass from Lidstrom to Zetterberg. And watch how Rik really put thats backhand through the five-hole, strong!





What did I miss?

-Bress