Senin, 17 Agustus 2009
Here are the top 5 bad people for the week:
1) Guys who say things are "epic":
I overheard three guys talk about a buddy of theirs in Martha's Vineyard. Everything was "epic". Tanner banged the girl he met at the beach - EPIC. Tanner passed out on the beach and had to be driven home by the cops - EPIC. Tanner showed up to the bar wearing the same exact outfit as his buddy - DOUBLE EPIC. The whole douchebag weekend was EPIC, Brah! Seriously, unless you are retelling scenes from the fucking ODYSSEY let's try to leave the word "epic" alone.
2) The guy in my locker room who wears head-to-toe UnderArmor:
This guy is easily the worst hockey player on the planet. Thankfully he let us all know how the refs screwed him as he peeled off 14 layers of sweaty spandex. I really need to either stay in my apt or come to the games homemade.
3) The guys who ring the opening bell at the NASDAQ:
The only semi-amusing part of watching CNBC all day is when a group of clowns stand in front of a giant screen and open trading for the NASDAQ. Ringing the bell and sending the trading pit into action at the NYSE is a tradition. Standing in front of a television screen and clapping is dopey.
4) People who talk about how much better Mexican food and sushi is on the West Coast:
I know someone originally from San Francisco who loves to talk about how she eats sushi every day when she goes back home. She'll say "You have no idea how much better the sushi is on the West Coast. I almost feel bad for people in NYC because of the sushi that you guys have to eat". Apparently where she eats sushi in San Fran the chef walks out of the ocean with a net, wipes the ass of a crab and rolls it in rice on her plate. She tells me about the "amazing" sushi at every opportunity. I had no idea what I was missing by living here. I very briefly had a relationship with a girl who grew up in Denver and swore that the Mexican food in NYC was terrible compared to Denver. Why did she think this? Because Denver is closer to Mexico, silly! She said this seriously. Hearing her going on and on about how we don't have real guacamole (or real Mexicans) on the East Coast was not worth the flaky handjob she gave me after the Giants won the Super Bowl.
5) Anyone in the NHL without a mustache
Tell me your first order of business after making a big league roster wouldn't be growing a mustache.
Guys like me who blog about this shit. I should be assaulted.