Kamis, 09 April 2009

Mens League Confidential

Katy Perry is really hot (has nothing to do with hockey or this entry)

I'm only writing this MLC because:

a) we haven't written one of these in ages
b) I have nothing to talk about until the playoff matchups are set on Sunday
c) our 2Man Director/Cameraguy/ Brooklyn by way of Moscow hipster, Artem had a remarkable game last night

Here's how it went down. Last night was the first night of Passover so many of the guys on our squad called in Jewish. An 11:30PM scheduled game seems to make many people ultra religious. Artem was supposed to be at a DJ'd event thrown by the boyfriend of one of his friends or something like that. The party sounded ultra gay and Artem only stayed for a short period of time.

He picked me up to go to the rink and was in a bad mood because he effed something up at work and got chewed out for it and this party zapped him of any spirit he was trying to harness before the game. He was out of sorts and needed to right the ship. In short: Artem was angry and looking for some release.

He got it on the ice

Artem's first shift was one for the mens league record books. He scored first time out, intercepted 4 passes, cycled like a wicken, knocked down pucks and had probably 18 shots on net total. In 1:15 he provided more offense than the New York Islanders in April. He was almost unstoppable.

Normally Artem loafs around the ice missing passes and second guessing himself into shooting pucks at goalies stomachs. Indecision and a lack of confidence usually makes Artem melt into a gel-like substance that coats cans of Spam or Super Supper. Last night, confident Artem was one-timing shit, winning faceoffs (which NO ONE on our team has ever done) and batting down pucks everywhere. Guys were trying to sauce shit by him and he would just knock the puck down and sprint to the net. He was like a guy in a hair club commercial who climbs out of the pool and lets some dirty milf stroke his lifelike scalp. He was oozing bravado. It was disgusting but I couldn't look away.

At one point Artem was cycling down in the zone and I came in from the point looking for a pass in the slot. Artem looked me off, swung around and got his own shot on net. All of a sudden he was creating plays for himself and hogging the puck. He was in the zone and everyone else needed to get the fuck back in bed.

I felt like I was running the floor with Kobe when he was going for 40+. He was NBA jamming and the rest of us were decoys.

He had something like 4 of our 9 goals and he missed maybe 45 other scoring ops mainly because the other goalie was pretty damn good. A few times Artem tried the move where he would burn across the crease and leave the puck behind him hoping the goalie would follow and in would go in opposite side. Twice the netminder got a miraculous toe on the puck.

The best part about the night is that Artem is a Jew! He came to play because he wanted to release some anger and he scored 4 goals and assfucked a sacrificed lamb that he had waiting in the locker room. His ninja prowess was a tradition unlike any other. Artem has died, Artem has risen, Artem will come again.

Look at his face in this picture. He has never ever smiled in a photo. He's retarded. Enjoy your game puck, Artem.

Happy Easter

Let's go Nashville


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